Mums abroad

Coming to terms with an abortion

Polar Bear syndrome

Daddy Dearest

Location, Frustration, Provocation!

The Big Leap

Ring of Fire
Mums abroad

Losing your kids if you live abroad?
Irish Star, April 2005
Fiona’s dilemma in Three of a Kind

OK ladies, let’s fantasise. Kick off your shoes and get the sand between your toes. Slurp on that Margarita and feel the sunshine melting the tension from your body as you close your eyes. As you relax, pulling down your shades - the insides of your eyelids glow a glorious orange and you hear a deep, husky and distinctly meditteranean voice. A male voice. You open your eyes to see a hazy image of a tanned hunk standing before you.
On a Disney cartoon the months of the calendar would be flying off the screen at a rate of ‘nots’.
I’m ‘not’ going back to rainy Ireland.
I’m ‘not’ trading in my bikini for a chunky knit poncho – however ‘designer’!
I’m ‘not’ letting this dream-guy escape my clutches.
And so three years later it’s all come true. You’re living together and the icing on the cake is your adorable son/daughter.
OK – so time to wake up and smell the Bewleys!
It really is the stuff dreams are made of, isn’t it? To go on holiday or work abroad, meet a gorgeous, loving, fun guy and to fall in love. It doesn’t have to be the ‘Shirley Valentine’ school of romance, you could fall in love with a man in Ireland who is from another country. It might be a joint decision to move back to his ‘home’ country, the options are endless but the fact is it simply couldn’t get any better and it’s more than you’d ever dreamed of. He has an entirely different culture to you – which is exciting, his heavy foreign accent makes him more than damned sexy and you’re cracked about each other. So you’re an ‘item’, possibly living together, maybe married, and then you might just begin a family – you have a baby, and then maybe another. And it’s all looking rosy. OK, so let’s be honest, a large chunk of life abroad is always going to be ‘new territory’ and unfamiliar, but you adapt - the hospitals abroad are never quite what we’re used to, but you’ve immersed yourself in your ‘new’ life, you’ve soaked in the culture, the language and the ‘sun-soaked’ way of life.
And it’s all going great – and then life gets in the way and, dare I even suggest it - you split up. I know it’s not romantic and it rather shatters the ‘roses around the door’ scenario – but, hey, it’s 2005 – let’s be realistic, these things happen, it’s life.
You might be left holding the baby(ies) and you struggle to continue with your new life in sunnier climes, but loneliness can be a cruel thing and only a few years down the line you could find that you’re missing your family and want to go ‘home’.
And he won’t let you.
Ridiculous?
Accusations of child abduction begin to surface and you can’t believe what you’re hearing?
OK, so how about this? Under the rulings of the Hague Convention it is deemed that if your baby is born to a national of another country, in their country, they can subsequently stop you from taking the child away from that country. It’s shocking and in that first flush of love it’s probably the last thing on your mind, but let’s look at the facts – this is potentially serious stuff.
The Protection of Children (Hague Convention) Act 2000 works in two ways. Of course, if you’re Irish and you’ve had a baby in Ireland, perhaps with a guy from another country, the Hague Convention provides a legal framework to protect your child from being taken by your partner or ex-partner. But the coin flips both ways and it’s something definitely worth thinking about before you skip down the escalator at Dublin airport, your ‘his-n-hers’ flight tickets in hand as you flit off into the sunset together! The Hague Convention exists to help secure the safety of abducted children and requires all participating countries to find and return children who have been wrongly removed from their country of habitual residence.
Maria found herself in a similar situation when she accepted a fabulous job offer in Spain, consequently meeting a local guy and falling in love. “I adored Xavier, my great job and my new way of life. When I became pregnant a year later we were both delighted. It was all a perfect dream. I’ll have to admit that the pregnancy was unplanned, but we were crazy about each other. My parents were sceptical at first too, but when they came to visit and saw how in love we were, they began to get excited about the arrival of their first granddaughter.” But 4 years, and another daughter later, life is very different for Maria. Xavier began an affair with a local woman and Maria was devastated when she finally found out, and Xavier admitted that he didn’t love her anymore. “I suddenly felt out of place in Spain and I was desperate for my mum, my sister, my friends. I was a single mum, living in a small apartment with two very young children and had nobody to help me. I was desperate to go home but hadn’t anticipated Xavier’s response.” Xavier forbade Maria to return to Ireland, quoting the restrictions of the Hague Convention, which were in his favour as their two children were born in Spain. The Hague Convention applies from birth to 18 years old and the term ‘father’ includes the father of a child who has acquired parental responsibility corresponding to guardianship to the child. This means that if you are married to your child’s father, he is automatically a guardian, but if you are not then he has to apply to the courts for guardianship.
Maria has now accepted that she can’t leave Spain with her daughters and has finally managed to organise childcare and a support network which enables her to return to work and pave the way forward for them but admits that it’s very hard watching her daughters grow up as Spaniards, especially as she once loved the country so dearly. “Where I had once fallen in love with the whole Spanish ‘thing’, the reality is that it’s a completely different culture and education system to what I am familiar with. To hear my children speaking in Spanish makes me feel more of an outsider than ever. It makes me angry that Xavier wants to have his cake and eat it. He doesn’t want us, and yet he won’t let us leave either. I’m in a no-win situation.”
Unfortunately, as our world gets smaller, child abduction by a parent or close blood relative seems to be more common and something that seems to crop up in the news on a regular basis. You only need to check the gardai missing children website www.missingkids.ie to see the gallery of children who cannot be located. The increase in marriages between international couples, as well as the ease of travel, global employment opportunities and broadening horizons has lead to an increasing movement of people, and children across international boundaries. And women and men need to be aware of our legal situation. The Hague Convention is there to protect the child and in the case of the wrongful removal of a child, whichever State the child lived in immediately before the removal keeps their jurisdiction until the child has been granted long-term residence in another State - and then the child has to have lived in that other State for a period of at least one year.
The return of children can be instigated by any person, institution or other body claiming that the child has been removed or retained in breach of custody rights. By applying either to Central Authority of the child’s country of residence or to the Central Authority of any other Contracting State, assistance in securing the safe return of the child can be requested.
A parent from whom a child has been taken needs secure, protective and investigative orders to locate the missing child and needs effective representation to secure the child’s immediate return from overseas.
A parent who has taken a child away from their home-place needs immediate advice as to what defences might be available against an order directing that child’s immediate return.
The legalities surrounding the Hague Convention are highly complex and the recent introduction of the Brussels II bis regulation has further complicated the picture within the EU. It is essential to find a solicitor who specialises in these issues. The safety and care of our children are vital, wherever we come from and whoever we are and the subject of custody and potential abduction is a highly complicated and extremely traumatic situation, our emotions are involved on an intense level – our children are everything to most of us, and above all are innocent and fragile.
And while Maria has begun to pick up the pieces of her life in Spain, it might be worth taking a few moments to think carefully about where we give birth to our children.

Alison Norrington is the author of Three of a Kind, a novel in which the restrictions of the Hague Convention, coupled with an extremely difficult ‘ex’ make Fiona’s life hell!
Published 1st April by Poolbeg.
www.alisonnorrington.com
Thanks to Fergus Ryan, DIT/TCD for his support with this piece.


Coming to terms with an abortion

Coming to terms with an abortion
Irish Star, April 2005
A hidden issue in Three of a Kind

It is a true statement that, for the most of us, in our busy, demanding lives we have little time for ourselves. The clock ticks noisily at double-time and there’s so much to fill our too-short days. We create our own daily routines that then become so dependant on us, that it’s often so much easier to brush all our ugly ‘problems’ under the carpet - at least until we have more time to confront them head-on, to unravel them, examine them and make sense of them.
But yet, we never have more time.
So, we continue to sweep our troublesome problems under the shag-pile and what happens?
Nothing – until one day, maybe years later, we can’t help but notice that huge lump under the rug, in the middle of the room that refuses to be ignored. We have avoided facing up to our problems for so long they’re now screaming for our attention – we can’t move on without sorting them first.
This could be the scenario for thousands of women who try to ignore any negative feelings they may have after an abortion, although it has been reported that only a small minority of women experience long-term emotional worries afterwards. But whilst many may ‘bounce back’, it is also a fact that many women suffer – some even years later.
The emotive issue of abortion raises it’s head from time to time in the Irish media and whatever your opinion or belief, you’re entitled to it. Yet it’s a stark reality that thousands of women cross the Irish Sea every year seeking a termination, and have done for years. Of course, the act of abortion itself does not lead to depression, but every woman who has lost a foetus or an embryo will never forget it. A major UK clinic has reported that 7,638 Irish patients sought terminations from them in 2003, the last full year for figures to date. 1,318 were from the North, which left 6,630 from the Republic. It is almost certain that the correct figures will be higher, as some women would be unwilling to disclose their ‘country of origin’.
Abortion is never an ‘easy’ option and no matter how tragic or difficult circumstances are, it is a desperate decision for any woman to make – a decision which usually comes from fear. No woman has ever planned to become pregnant with a view to having a termination and this is a decision that is rarely taken lightly. It takes courage and strength to face a crisis pregnancy anywhere in the world but it has been reported that the social stigma of returning to Ireland after a ‘trip’ to the UK, means that women often feel lonely and isolated at this emotionally distressing time - a time when care and support are vital and yet secrecy seems to be the unspoken rule, many women saying that they find the secrecy more damaging than the abortion itself. There’s no doubt of the magnitude of the dilemma, one which may destroy your peace and even question your beliefs. And as diverse and different as people are, it seems that while some women are able to cope with their feelings - guilt or even relief - for others, the psychological and emotional reactions after an abortion may loom menacingly on the horizon. These reactions often come to the surface as a result of a previous situation that was present prior to the crisis pregnancy, but it has to be made clear that post-abortion-stress is not inevitable, and in only a minority of cases it can be triggered by another event in a woman’s life, perhaps the end of the relationship in which she became pregnant or the anniversary of the termination date. . Professionally trained counsellors urge the importance of making sense of events and talking over feelings, experiences and reactions to an abortion in a safe environment - something that is not often possible in our daily lives. So whilst abortion itself is illegal in Ireland, counselling and support after abortion is not.
It could easily be the case that if a family member or friend break their ‘special news’ at becoming pregnant this can bring feelings to the surface once again and if there are unresolved ‘issues’ in a woman’s life that she hasn’t confronted prior to her crisis these can sometimes trigger painful reminders after a termination. There are many symptoms that can interfere with our everyday lives after an abortion experience and these may be displayed singularly or in many random ways, and they include feelings of guilt and remorse, regret, shame and perhaps lowered self-esteem. Anniversary flashbacks, hostility and hatred towards men, coupled with bouts of crying and depression are all characteristics that may indicate that professional support or counselling could possibly be of help to a woman who has found herself in the difficult position of a crisis pregnancy which has led to an abortion. Recourse to alcohol or drugs to mask the pain is common, and this sometimes can go hand in hand with previously undisplayed sexual promiscuity. Inability to forgive herself, intense grief or sadness, anger or rage and eating disorders are all traits that counsellors at the Irish Family Planning Association are trained to recognise and to help with, as are any possible suicidal urges, anxiety and panic attacks. The importance of speaking to professionally trained counsellors prior to travelling for a termination is something that is encouraged by the Irish Family Planning Association, where all reactions can be dealt with through Post Abortion Counselling. Emotional stress is an umbrella under which a wide range of symptoms that are intimately related to a previous abortion experience fall, and can be a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. But there is no need to suffer in silence. Positive Options is a campaign that is running by the Crisis Pregnancy Agency, an agency committed to funding high quality projects, the provision of Post Abortion Services is one of these. In cooperation with Cura, Dublin Well Woman, the Irish Family Planning Association, Life, One Family and Pact. ‘Positive Options’ provide counselling and support to women suffering with feelings related to their abortion.
The IFPA also run Post Abortion Support Groups providing a safe, supporting and confidential space where women will be treated with care, and can meet and talk through their feelings with a professional IFPA counsellor, the importance of validating their experiences by sharing them being tantamount. These support groups are facilitated by IFPA counsellors and are free of charge, and these support networks aren’t only for women. Many clinics have seen a number of men who have suffered trauma and stress as a result of their partner’s abortion. Rachel’s Vineyard is a lay initiative which reaches out to women and men suffering from Post Abortion Syndrome with their Healing Weekends. These weekends provide the opportunity to release any pain and feelings surrounding an abortion and help to begin the healing process of renewal.

The myth that the passage of time minimises the loss holds no weight when you are depressed and tormenting yourself with negative emotions that refuse to go away. Trained counsellors provide a sounding board and will discuss your trauma with you regardless of whether your termination was last week or 40 years ago. The need for a confidential counselling service during crisis pregnancy and after abortion is vital and these counselling sessions help women and men to deal with their feelings surrounding their abortion and help them to discuss reasons why decisions have been made. Women can find themselves in a situation where they need to make informed, moral judgements regarding their future and feelings after an abortion can be extremely confused and mixed, where some women will feel relieved that it is all over, others may be surprised to even feel angry. All professional counselling is non-directive, non-judgemental and helps women to make their own decisions.

So whatever your opinion or beliefs on the controversial issue of abortion, the fact remains that this has been going on for years and whether we choose to ‘see’ it or not, will continue far into the future. The women who, for whatever reason, find themselves at this major crisis point in their lives need help, support and care with dignity – and it is vital that every woman in Ireland realises that she is not alone.


The Irish Family Planning Association have 2 Women’s Health Care Centres in Dublin, one in Tallaght and one in Cathal Bruga Street, but they also have centres in Cork, Clonmel, Galway and Limerick.
Irish Family Planning Association.
IFPA, Level 1, The Square, Tallaght, Dublin 14 - 01 459 7685
IPFA, 507 Cathal Brugha Street, Dublin 1 - 01 872 7088
www.ifpa.ie/services/postabort.html

Crisis Pregnancy Agency (CPA), 4th floor, 89-94 Capel Street, Dublin 1
01 814 6292
www.crisispregnancy.ie email: info@crisispregnancy.ie
Positive Options - Free text service text word ‘list’ to 50444 and receive list of state-funded agencies that specialise in support.

Healing weekends – www.rachelsvineyard.ie
or contact Bernadette Goulding on 087 859 2877

Alison Norrington is author of Three of a Kind, a story which only skims the surface of the very real symptoms of Post Abortion Stress.
Published 1st April 2005 by Poolbeg.
www.alisonnorrington.com

Special thanks to Rosie Toner of the I.F.P.A for her support and advice when researching this article.


Polar Bear syndrome

The Irish Star, January 2003
Portrays ‘Geri’s’ dilemma in Class Act

The Polar Bear is a beautiful creature and an attentive mother, staying with her cubs for 30 months. A pregnant Polar Bear can gain weight up to 1,102 pounds, (78 stone), and their white fur protects them, making them invisible against the snow.

Like the Polar Bear, we too gain weight during pregnancy and by nature, are excellent mothers. Unlike the Polar Bear we don’t have approximately three adult males to every female of breeding age, but we seem, in some strange way to have some way of making us, as mothers, invisible.

Motherhood brings many gifts and many challenges. I should know, I have two young sons. But do you realise that many new-mums somehow receive a kind of Emperesses New Clothes – but not quite – if you get my drift. You don’t realise it at the time but there, amongst the breast pads, nipple cream, teeny tiny nappies and gorgeous white baby blankets that you leave the maternity ward with are the Emperesses New Clothes. Of course you know the Hans Christian Andersen story of the oriental Emperor who was conned left right and centre out of a tremendous amount of gold? He bought a suit of clothing weaved from cloth claimed to be so fine that it was invisible to anyone either badly suited to their job or unforgivably stupid. Well, let me explain, as soon as a new-mum steps foot – one that you mightn’t have seen for months - onto terra firma it seems she becomes invisible! It isn’t just our clothing that people fail to see – it is us!

Put it another way. You could have been a commando. Or maybe even SAS. You think I’m joking? Well how many 20 or 30-somethings can make it from one end of town, during lunch hour, to the other without being seen? But you can, loads of you have probably done it, maybe even today. Forget the military clothing, the combats or camouflage prints. Don’t attempt to crawl on your belly through the crowds. The secret? Simply push a buggy!

As a new-mum it doesn’t take us long to realise that we lost our identity along with our amniotic waters! Deemed invisible behind a pushchair, people may stop and coo and ahhh over your baby, but they will completely ignore you. You become defined by the events that punctuated your pregnancy. There are a crowd of women from ante-natal classes that will always remember you as the one that was horrified at how “they” break your waters with the “knitting needle”, there are new-mums from the hospital ward who will always recall how you were sent to the operating theatre for two hours after the birth. There’s a midwife out there who will eternally remember you for squirting a surprisingly fierce streak of breast milk into her eye by accident, making her choke on her peanut butter sandwich. You are no longer simply you. Just call us Miss-taken-identity.

In reality though, isolation is one thing, and understandable when faced with a small human being who is completely dependant upon us - but invisibility? In the six months after the birth of my first son my identity disappeared as fast as my view of my thighs had when I’d became pregnant. I didn’t know where I fitted in anymore and was hurled into a routine of sleepless nights, and nappied days. I felt I was in a vacuum, a cocoon. It’s then that Polar Bear Syndrome really hits you. Hormonal changes also can leave some women longing for their pre-“mummy” days. Experts say, however, that self-doubt is completely normal after such dramatic changes and that we have to accept that “we can’t have it all” – not all at the same time anyway.

Many new mothers will remember that first wave of disappointment when walking past a building site and no-one shouted or whistled, or even looked up from their Daily Sport. OK, so we know the cat-calling, the odd whistle or even a glance – even it’s the old hairy foreman – is a nuisance, but come on girls, it boosts our ego, though dare we admit it! It’s superficial and shallow maybe, but it helps, especially if you’re suffering from the age-of-invisibility. So we learn to forget about walking past building sites, leaving that to the younger nubile childless women. It’s obvious that the minute the lads hear the rattling of the buggy wheels they turn their bike-park butts at you quicker than you can say – “but they threw an extra couple of stitches in for good luck!” It feels more like a case of non-entity rather than lost identity.

On a more serious note, it is extremely common for many new mums to be confused about their new identity, often claiming “I don’t know who I am anymore.” The reality is that postpartum mood disorders, even the baby blues are treatable by GP’s and occurs in up to around 85% of women. The problem may stem from the way that today’s women are encouraged to be independent and career-orientated, but are also expected to be homemakers. Deciding not to return to work often strips women of their identity completely and too harshly sometimes. Perhaps the key to successfully embracing this new, major role in our lives whilst continuing to maintain our other identities is the ability to balance our time for ourselves, our work and our family. This takes skill and planning, but think of it this way; on a plane we’re always told to secure our own mask before our child’s. The point of this is that if we’re not looking after ourselves, our children will eventually suffer. Our children need us to be “ok”.

Perhaps it’s a mother-nature thing. Maybe she thinks that nursing mother’s should fade from the spotlight a little, just for the chance to bond with our newborn. Perhaps it’s right for us to be chameleon-like and blend in with the background. The good news is, that it doesn’t last forever and our maternal instincts help us someway towards planning for our, and our children’s future. And reality strikes, we usually need to go back to work some day, because, unlike the Polar Bear, we can’t feign invisibility against the bank!


Daddy Dearest
Irish Tatler, May 2003

You imagine it to be one of the most exciting discoveries since botox. The two blue lines on the stick. You’re pregnant. And for many women it is one of the most exciting discoveries. But in a non-existent perfect world here’s the reality check… Let’s assume that he’s mopped your sweaty forehead while you’ve given birth, you’ve got a mortgage together, and you’ve made plans for your future. So why has he turned into Jim Royle?
“I never wanted to be a single Mum,” says Jenni, “but I simply couldn’t carry on like that any longer. I never experienced divorce as a child. The class of ’85 had it’s fair share of kids scarred by parental indiscretions and divorce, but that was the extent of my experience. Kind of second-hand. I witnessed the emotional ripples, but never quite felt the splash.”
But there are many different categories of single mother-dom. It’s the Single-Mums-by-Choice-or-Chance lottery. Take, for example, those Mums who are “single” before the first teeth-clenching, sweat-inducing contraction. Jordan and Liz Hurley, it seems were destined to be single mothers before the arrival of their babies. In many ways, although this is a sensitive issue, they may possibly be better off than mothers who are “single” after the birth, as you do tend to lean on your partner during pregnancy – especially if they are to be your birth partner. There could be nothing worse than to go through those first few years where you subconsciously plan the rest of your lives as a family, only to find that his mind is elsewhere.

There are obvious reasons why some Mums are “single” through choice. As woman are choosing to become mothers at a later age, donor insemination or even adoption are valid options. There are, undoubtedly, circumstances in which it is in everyone’s best interest that the biological father never knows his new ‘title’, perhaps due to drug or alcohol instability or imprisonment. And then there are the Mums who had never dreamed they’d be a single Mum as they had the complete package; the commitment, albeit on paper – they’d planned their joint futures. Many women strive towards the media portrayal of the perfect structure of family, the OXO family or the Kellogg’s cheery picnickers, finding warmth and security in the brightly coloured, sing-song jingled, white-teethed smiles and bonds. Sometimes PB (post-birth), though perhaps even post-nappies, the perspective shifts, dependant upon the tint of the glasses you wear. The rose-coloured ones can diffuse an image of a perfect, hard-working family. The reality goggles can be less fuzzy and show that, despite maybe only giving birth twice, you find you have three children – two toddlers and a teenager! “We’d completed all the necessary documentation to cement our commitment, birth register, mortgage application form, solicitors paperwork,” says Karen, “but we must have been sleeping in a microwave bed – one that jettisoned us thirty years on in only five. In the short space of five years we’d mutated from a middle-class version of the Beckhams, juggling kids, careers and social lives – into Terry & June!” Of course, being propelled to head of the family has its’ obvious advantages, the control, status, decision making, and then there’s the sub-budget for the new designer boots, but it also brings with it responsibility and loneliness – especially if you’re used to having a partner working with you. So what do you do if you find yourself to be a newly single Mum, whether through choice or chance? Firstly calm down – it can work out perfectly and remember that knowledge will enable you to make informed decisions and take control. Primarily a close-knit support network of family and friends is essential! You need to take time to define your roles, take control and decide what role, if any, the father will play. Of course, it will take time and strength to get past the hurt and move ahead with your lives, but national support networks for single parents are available and before you can say “it’s just me and you, kid,” you’ll be finding ways to balance parenthood and personhood.

Custody-wise, the legalities of custody are relatively straight forward. An unmarried mother automatically has sole custody and guardianship of her child(ren) and entry of the father’s name on the birth certificate or register of births does not grant guardianship rights. The father may apply to the court for sole or joint custody regardless of his guardianship status. If the parents were ever married (preferably to each other) then joint custody is automatic. A ‘legal guardian’ is responsible for caring for the child and has the right to make decisions on all major matters affecting their upbringing. Where both unmarried parents are in agreement about the father becoming a joint guardian then both parents must complete a statutory declaration to this effect in the presence of a peace commissioner, information on which is available from Treoir’s Information Pack. Where Mum is not in agreement then the father can apply to the district court to become a joint guardian with the mother and although mothers can contest this, the fact that she may not consent to the joint guardianship does not mean that the Court will refuse the order.

It could be that your Mum has been married forever and will have little advice about the legalities of being a single Mum, but often common sense prevails and if ‘access’ issues need to be considered you must consider what role you’d like the father to play. To make informal arrangements is by far the simplest solution and Treoir have a list of accredited mediators, if you find difficulty in making these arrangements. They also offer information on shared parenting, maintaining that “fathers are very special to their children and that it is important, where possible, for both parents to take an interest and be involved in parenting”. They suggest ways to help your child conquer identity issues that may arise, due to the absence of a parent. “It is important that children know as much as possible about both parents so that they have a good sense of their own identity and personal history in order to be able to give an account of themselves. Where parents are not living together this is especially important”. They advise, that when talking about the other parent that you be as honest as you can about why both parents are not living with them, taking time to explain what the other parent is like. You should resist the urge to invent stories. Whilst it may be gratifying to pretend that the absent parent is an unreasonable fifteen year old in a thirty-five year olds body, you must try to be positive about them. Try and dig deep, if necessary, to remember their good points, and if you can’t be positive – be neutral. Encouraging children to talk about their feelings and to feel comfortable to ask questions without fear of rejection is a positive step forward in strengthening your bond and their confidence.

So you’re super-organised, have a close relationship with your kids and suddenly the “absent” father floats in. Before you panic, experts suggest you should “consider his motivation for involvement at this later stage in the child’s life. Although the family has done fine without ‘dad’ for all these years, he may be less irresponsible than when he left first. If he’s trying to make up for lost time then you are the one responsible for setting up conditions, perimeters and guidelines of what is acceptable. Hopefully he will prove himself worthy, but to test the waters try setting up a weekly visit where he can take the child(ren) to a planned activity. It may be very difficult to come to terms with idea of him getting so close after you have done just fine but unless he has history of abuse or is unsafe, it may be in your childs’ best interest to let them get to know each other”. If dad doesn’t agree to your rules the final decision is yours. In the complete absence of a father, perhaps due to death, imprisonment, donor insemination or adoption it is vital that you provide suitable male role models for your children in the form of sports coaches, youth club leaders, music teachers, school teachers, uncles or other family members. “You, as a single parent,” insists Jenni, “have the responsibility of vetting and approving these role models. It’s not good enough simply to drop off your children at a club or music lesson without taking the time to watch and listen to the male role models that they’re spending time with. It’s important that role models let boys feel sad, disappointed or scared without making them feel a ‘wimp’.”

All in all, our children need us to be OK. It’s of no surprise that, on the nose-diving Boeing 737 we are told to fix our own oxygen mask first before our child’s. If we are not functioning and coping then our children will suffer. And, as Treoir remind us, parenting is a job for life and for children there is no such thing as an ex-parent.

e-mail: info@treoir.ie
e-mail: gingerbreadireland@tinet.ie
e-mail: aimfamilyservices@eircom.net


Location, Frustration, Provocation!
The Irish Star, August 2003

I’ve been trying to sell my house. You could suppose, perhaps, that maybe I have the odd grey hair hidden beneath my highlights, so what the hell would a few more matter? But on second thoughts – don’t even go there. My house? It’s a grand, comfortable house with fantastic views and lots to offer a family. It’s on the www.myhome.ie website and the auctioneers website. There’s a colourful sign, desperate for attention, flapping in the breeze on the front garden and there’s three directional signs pointing prospective buyers down the right road.
And yet.
Nine weeks have gone by and not a single viewer.
Plenty of rubber-necking as cars drive by at a dangerous 3 mph, but no actual viewers, as in people who ‘view’. As in ‘people-who-are-serious’.
I’d not taken the decision lightly. I’d done my research - checked the market, done my homework and I know I’m not over-priced.
More importantly though – I’ve watched ‘the programmes’.
I’ve been positively glued to Location, Location and Home Front and I’ll Sell My Big Home In Dublin and Buy Half a Dozen In The Country. I know most of the ‘tricks of the trade’ and, I must admit to being slightly disturbed by them. As far as I can see, it all seems to boil down to ‘staging’.
We were discussing ‘staging’ the other night, over Turbo Shandys and Alco-pops and were amused, even proud at our knowledge, at our new insider-info, our new-found ‘tricks’. I’ve done everything ‘the programmes’ have told me to. I’ve cleared the clutter – the joists are positively bowing under the weight of what’s in the loft. I’ve religiously bought the fresh flowers every weekend, scattered the glossy interiors magazines across the coffee table, removed family photographs and I’ve even gone to the extreme of staging the bed in my spare room with a mini pyramid of colour-co-ordinated cushions in the place of those old-fashioned, awkward things – pillows! The toothbrushes have been relegated to the under-sink cupboard – it seems that potential homebuyers don’t like to actually see that sellers brush their teeth, my children’s toys have been cruelly packed away and my kitchen worktops have taken on a clinical, almost laboratory-esque appearance. And still no buyers.
One of the local auctioneers grimaced as he told me that the market has slumped “because of the war” while another smiled and said that the market had “picked up because of the war” on the basis that people wanted to move from big cities and into the countryside. And so let me introduce you to my new bald-patch. It’s right there amongst the disguised grey hairs, where I’ve scratched my head repeatedly while attempting to reverse the assembly instructions for my flat-packed wardrobe and have wrestled the six-foot piece of furniture back into it’s original envelope. But with the wardrobe now obsolete I’ve reverted to packing away most of my clothes. I’m not entirely sure for how much longer I’ll be able to alternate my blue and my white t-shirt without anyone noticing. You see though, I’m not really sure now if I really want to sell. I have so many other things I want to do with my life other than sit in a faux show-home pretending that we always live like this! The battered alphabet sponges no longer spell angry Czech words like ‘skzrrt’ or ‘rtttpsty’ on the bathroom tiles. The quirky rubber duck has gone. The comfy but slightly raggedy bath sheets have gone in favour of colour-co-ordinated towels with matching flannels and candles that I’m afraid to use. I’ll have to admit that I’ve even Hyacinth Bouquet’ed by taking ‘the programmes’ advice at white loo paper only. And where’s it getting me?
A step closer every day to the loony bin.
My auctioneer is fantastic though. She’s compiled an appealing and lengthy ‘brochure’ which has begun to attract some interest.
I said interest – no purchasers yet though. But there’s little more we can do. We all know the old tale about leading the horse to water blah blah! In reality though, it’s a disturbing indication of how shallow the whole process has become. A worrying benchmark of how ‘media’ we strive to be in our ordinary lives. We’ve been bombarded with the homes makeover programmes to the extent where we now see through the pretence. We know that the cameras only film the good parts of the makeover. They don’t hover for too long over the MDF shelf unit that has glue seeping like ugly boils from it’s joints, nor do they ponder over the huge lump of plaster that fell off the bathroom wall and cracked the new bath suite. Is it really the state of play that we try our utmost to turn our comfortable homes into something resembling a hotel reception area or bedroom? Is it a case that if your neighbour ‘went to the trouble’ and you didn’t that they could really ask an extra €15,000 for their house – when you know that they’ve got a damp problem that they’re hiding behind the tiles?
I’d love to be able to ‘stage’ to a more professional extent. Some of ‘the programmes’ suggest staging to the extent of borrowing items of furniture from friends and family and hiding away your own unworthy tat. They even go as far as suggesting that, once staged, you move out of your house so as to retain it’s show-home appeal.
I really like this idea and had every intention of doing this – once someone had bought the damn thing!
And so now?
Twelve weeks later and I’ve made my decision.
Pass me the house plans book – how long does it take to build a conservatory?


The Big Leap
Irish Star, February 2004
Deals with Tara’s story in Look Before You Leap

Traditions are similar to horoscopes – we like to take notice of the ones that suit us, and sneer at the ones that don’t. In the 16th Century adultery was a crime of theft. As frowned upon as going off with your neighbours lawnmower! But the tradition of the Leap Year proposal goes back to the 5th Century and still exists to this day. So whilst our perception of adultery has altered, it seems our ideas surrounding marriage proposals hasn’t. Or has it? Tom Cruise was asked at the London premier of The Last Samurai whether he’d get married again and he mentioned that 2004 is a Leap Year, so maybe she’ll (Penelope Cruz) ask me.

If the time was right, and he was ‘the one’, would you wait for a Leap Year to propose? OK, so it’s only a bit of fun, but after a full and varied diet of Sex & The City and with Destiny’s Child preaching their ‘Independent Woman’ at us it’s evident that women don’t need to wait for the Leap Year, or even the Leap Day of 29th February, to propose. A confident women would probably take the plunge regardless. But how does today’s woman pop the question? Is a woman’s proposal more imaginative than a man’s? Does she go on bended knee? Drop an engagement ring into a glass of wine? Or would she tackle the whole thing from a different angle – perhaps realising that by proposing she is creating a memory – something to tell their grandchildren? It’s estimated that over 80% of married people would have liked their proposal to have been more romantic. And for ‘romantic’ don’t read ‘expensive’. So how does the woman of 2004 pop the question? By popping a ring into his mask while Scuba-diving in the Maldives? On a mountain top in Romania? During a moment in the jacuzzi under the sunset in Cyprus or on the stage in a Bangkok karaoke bar?

We know we can have the fairy tale wedding without the meringue dress and the net-curtain veil but perhaps you’ve tried to get him to propose. Perhaps he’s needed a hefty nudge and you’ve dropped hints about your joint future, you’ve opened his eyes to your shared interests and compatibility and you’ve created plenty of opportunities for him to ask you, and still…. So how do you go about proposing? You must consider first whether he’d be threatened at your suggestion or would he be swept away? Flattered even? It’s best to keep the whole occasion subtle and appropriate if you’re not sure but are brave enough to give it a go. Don’t panic and give him time to be tongue-tied or surprised. If you’ve already hinted and he hasn’t been receptive, don’t use a proposal to force the issue. Your attempt at romance may backfire. Legend says it backfired for St Brigid – the mother of the Leap Year proposal tradition who started the trend in the 5th Century. It’s rumoured that she had complained to St Patrick how unfair it was that women had to wait to be proposed to and he went on to allow the Leap Year day of 29th February to be the one day that the roles could be reversed. It seems that St Brigid took advantage of the situation and popped the question to him. He refused!

On the other hand I have friends who view marriage as the new ‘extreme sport’. Like snowboarding in Namibia it requires nerves of steel and insurance. But what’s more terrifying – the prospect of marriage or the proposal? With 29th February looming any woman considering meeting with tradition and vowing herself away needs to stop for a quick breather and ask themselves an important question. Do you want to be a bride? Or a wife? It’s something you need to clarify because you need to have your ‘jumping the broomstick’ opinions sorted from your ‘tying the knot’ ideals before the age old traditions associated with Leap Year Day cloud your judgement.

February 29th was originally invented as a day to correct the calendar every 4 years. It was one day that ‘didn’t exist’ and therefore held no legal status. The first documentation of this practice dates back to 1288 when Scotland allowed a woman to propose to a man of their choice in that year. It was also made law that any man who declined such a proposal in the Leap Year must pay a fine. This fine could range from a kiss to payment for a silk dress or a pair of gloves.

But is it a man’s job? You’d expect in these liberated times that there’d be equality in relationships. Yet perhaps not much has changed. Many women still expect to be bought dinners but if womanhood waited for the male species to be the initiator of marriage, the institution may have died out years ago. So is it really about you choosing him? ‘For better for worse’. ‘To have and to hold’. ‘In sickness and in health’. Does not being married mean that you get to keep choosing each other? As Cher once said, “the trouble with women is that they get all excited over nothing – and then marry him!”

I’m a firm believer in making things work for you and if you want something or someone, then it’s up to you to do something about it. Is it ‘more romantic’ to follow the traditional path of waiting for the male proposal? More importantly, women may feel that a man proposing marriage indicates that he’s truly committed to the relationship, which is what they need to know. But if you popped the question would you always be wondering would he have asked you?

Some women who have taken the lead, made the big leap have never regretted it. One lady took her ‘intended’ out for a meal where he was served with a huge chunk of water melon which was carved meticulously to read ‘will you marry me?’ Liberace received around 12 proposals a week from his fans – I imagine they were mainly women! It’s important to remember that when you propose you are creating a memory.

There is a Greek superstition that claims couples have bad luck if they marry in a Leap Year and apparently one in five engaged couples in Greece avoid planning their wedding during a Leap Year. However, over the last century alone the 29th February has been an historic one for reasons other than nuptials. It has been a lucky day for The Beatles as in 1964 “I Want To Hold Your Hand” was the number one hit song on Leap Day and in 1968 “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” won a Grammy. On Leap Day in 1952, New York City erected the pedestrian “Walk” and “Don’t Walk” signs at the intersection of 44th and Broadway and on 29th February 1940 “Gone With The Wind” won 8 Oscars, including one presented to Hattie McDaniels, the first black performer to be honoured.

So if you’re determined to take the big leap try not to propose after a sod-the-consequences night of hedonism. Do your best to avoid post-nuptial syndrome and Look Before You Leap!


Ring of Fire
Irish Tatler, February 2004

It’s perfect - almost. You’re getting married and agreeing on colour schemes, invitations and venue has been effortless. So painless that you find you’ve fallen deeper in love with him as he’s embraced the traditions and traits of a wedding. The suggestion that he’d done it all before would be simply ridiculous. Wouldn’t it? Adele never dreamt of questioning her ‘intended’. “Frank’s attention to detail was both endearing and yet annoying. He was irritatingly anal with his paperwork and finances but still pleasingly domesticated. His possessiveness with his ‘work’ mobile was laughable and still here was a man who was happy to take control of the household bills and budget. I suppose I found him both refreshing and yet slightly quirky.” Adele married Frank two years ago in Galway. “I had a wedding, but no marriage,” she whispers, clearly scarred by his deceit, “I have an album full of rose-tinted photographs and yet it was a complete farce, our wedding vows little more than lies. I’ll never forgive him.” Adele soon found out that Frank was already married – twice before – but she didn’t found out soon enough. Not only had he been married before, he’d failed to get divorced. Frank is a polygamist with an unusual fondness for walking up the aisle and Adele has no idea where he is today.
Legally, you must be separated from your spouse for at least four of the past five years before you can obtain a divorce and then you must give three months written notice of intention to re-marry to your local registrar. The General Registrar of Marriages at Joyce House, Dublin will let you search their registers for a small fee. “It’s relatively simple to track down whether somebody has been married so long as you have an idea of where they married and in what year. If I’d had any hint that Robbie may have walked down the aisle only a few years earlier I would have checked it out,” spits Keren. “It’s a shame that there’s no such central register to check on divorces.” If a previous marriage has taken place in the UK the United Kingdom Divorce Registry obtains divorce information from solicitors and while there’s currently no central divorce registry in Ireland it seems that it is intended to have one under the new civil registration rules announced only a few weeks ago. Alternatively you can check with your local Circuit Court who should have a record, assuming that your matrimony-junkie had used that court. “I never thought to question his divorce,” Keren snaps, bitterly, “I mean, why would you? He’d been honest enough to say that he had a failed marriage behind him and that they’d been divorced for three years. It didn’t occur to me to ask to see the Decree Nisi!” Unfortunately the whole process seems completely reliant on trust, even down to answering the priests questions regarding previous marriages. “There’s nothing to stop bigamists from lying, although you’d question their faith and their motives if they could stand face-to-face with a priest in the church and blatantly lie,” Adele wasn’t a devout Catholic and yet she took her wedding vows extremely seriously. “I never got to meet his family, still haven’t to this day. He’d always said that they’d emigrated to Canada years ago. He’d often be off on business for 5 or 6 days but I got used to it.” It was only when he’d had a minor car accident that Adele met his family and his wife. She’d lived in Kildare for the past thirty years and his days missing had been time he’d spent with his other wife – his legal wife. “Katherine was his first wife – in reality his only wife, as our marriage was null, void and legally non-existent.”
A valid marriage must be proved in the first instance in order to support a charge of bigamy. Dublin barrister, Kieron Wood, is co-author of Divorce In Ireland, O’Brien Press, £8.99 and has dealt with more complicated cases that often arise with foreign weddings. But don’t expect the bigamist to be sentenced to a spell in an Irish establishment. A case in Galway District Court last year saw a man charged with bigamy fined €500 whilst in most European countries bigamy is punishable with varying terms of imprisonment, with or without hard labour, according to the circumstances of the case.
It was only last week that we’d cringed as my friend was approached in the pub with the chat-up line “you look like my 4th wife.” She clearly fancied him – we all did – but had slightly recoiled as she’d questioned, “you mean you’ve been married four times?” But we had to laugh as he’d replied, “No, three…”
Makes you wonder though – doesn’t it?

*Names have been changed